With a sigh of relief that could only be induced by hours of prolonged annoyance, Ebony rose to her feet alongside Death, grateful eyes gazing at the land that stretched out towards their ferry.
“Arriving at Port None n’ Once More,” blared a speaker above the passenger’s heads, the sound crackling as if a hoard of bees hid behind the screen. Stretching, Death strode forward, gesturing for Ebony to follow him. Stepping over the legs of other occupants, Ebony picked her way off the boat, not failing to notice the odd look Charon gave her as she went.
“What’s his problem?” she muttered irritably as Death slowed to allow her to catch up. He glanced up, only now noticing the wrinkle of worry in the man who just earlier been so playful.
“Hn,” Death grunted unhelpfully, “He’s probably worried about being robbed while he’s in port. The idiot keeps his poker winnings under the hull.”
“Robbed?” Ebony questioned. Though as she looked up, the realization hit her that she was in a very different place then the Underworld she had first entered.
The streets were barren, unlike those she had arrived in, with not a even a single Hangover sprawled in the streets. The shadows seemed to writher, and every so often a curious face would peek into the light, before being yanked away again. An alley cat with ribs etched into its side dashed across the street, just barely missing Ebony’s step.
“Watch it!” it spat back at her with fury, then it too was eaten up by the alley. Shops were boarded up and the windows thick with a layer of dust. Some hadn’t bothered to hang up a sign, merely writing the words ‘Out of Business’ in the dirt that caked the panes. An eerie silence was heavy on street, the footsteps of Ebony and Death seeming to echo through the lonely pathways.
“Where is everyone?” Ebony spoke in a whisper, gravitating closer to Death. For reasons she could not decipher, Ebony felt both an extreme fear and a internal sadness for the broken town she saw before her.
“There are few who live here anymore,” sadness hung on her guide’s words, “It was once very much like the wharf you arrived to. But the FILTH’s touch is very strong here. Many have been scared off or killed…” Death stopped. He swore suddenly and harshly, causing Ebony to jump.
“What?” she hissed, leaping closer to him. Her question was soon answered, as a noise rose in the air in the form of a dark cackle. It penetrated the heavy quiet like a sword through flesh, giving Ebony an immediate bad feeling.
“Oi! Looky here boys! A little birdy who fell from ‘er nest!”
Ebony spun to face the direction the voice came from, her hands immediately raising in defensive fists in front of her. However, once she saw who had spoken, she knew it would do no good. The man who stood before her looked like some sort of pirate, only without the rotting teeth and missing eye. His muscles bulged from his forearms in an almost comical way, though Ebony dared not laugh. Had she done so, it was not unlikely that the man would have reached out and popped her head from her shoulders like a dandelion from its stem. As Ebony glanced around she realized that they were surrounded, and stepped back even closer to Death, as if she were hoping his robes would swallow her up and somehow take her to a different place. None of the other men looked quite as large as the first, but that didn’t make them any less imposing.
“Right chu’ are boss,” snickered a scrawny thing to Ebony’s left, “Whot we gonna do to ‘em?” A chorus of gleeful suggestions rose from the crowd that had gathered.
“Skin ‘em to their bones!”
“Sell dem to the circus!”
“Make ‘em fight to the death!”
“Feed ‘em to Bargosia!”
“Ai! Bargosia!”
This Bargosia person seemed the popular choice, sending the closer observers into peals of cruel laughter. Even the Muscle Man gave a booming chuckle, his small black eyes glistening maliciously as his shoulders jiggled from the force. A chill swept down Ebony’s spine, both from the mans laugh and the fact that Death had grabbed onto her shoulders.
“Hold onto me,” he hissed, but before Death could do whatever he intended to, a board connected with his head. The sound emitted was sickening - like someone had hit a wet log with a metal bat - and Death immediately fell to the ground. Ebony gave a startled yelp, jumping back from him in surprise. She stumbled right into the arms of Muscle Man, who gripped her tightly. Ebony began to shout and kick, though it proved to be futile. Muscle Man’s skin was like a rock, and no matter how many kicks she delivered to his shin, he hardly flinched. After a moment, Muscle Man laughed again, casually snaking an arm up to cut off her airflow. She gasped, terrified that this is how she would die - again, mind you. For a long, terrible moment, Ebony’s throat closed and her vision began to grow fuzzy. Soon, with a last shuddering attempt to inhale oxygen, Ebony fell unconscious.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Great stuff, I have read a few of your chapters and you seem to be humming along quite nicely, no serious flaws. Your writing is close to a publishable standard and with some tweaking I can see a Novel emerge. With your figurative language you show flashes of brilliance for instance:
"The sound emitted was sickening - like someone had hit a wet log with a metal bat"
This is a great line, I almost cringe when I think of the sound. Other parts might need a little tightening up, sometimes it feels a line could be left out or shortened to add to the tension but all in all there is definitely potential in this story. I would suggest mapping it - if you haven't already - know exactly where it peaks, how it ends, the last paragraph, the last sentence. Get it air tight and work through it because what I have read is fantastic.